Am I a girl's girl?
Some thoughts women supporting women.
Over the past year, TikTok has been debating what it means to be a “girl’s girl.” Is this just another impossible-to-define expectation of female perfection?
But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:
I always feel like i constantly really have to shit on my period.
How do I get over my fear of oral?? (For some background on why, my shitty ex peed in my mouth.)
On the most recent season of Love Is Blind, a messy love triangle resulted in a damning accusation: “You are not a girls girl.” This was directed towards a female contestant who slid into the DMs of one of the male contestants while knowing he was engaged to another woman on the show. As a result, that woman and her friends iced the female contestant out of their friend group.
“Going after another woman’s boyfriend” is perhaps the quintessential definition of not being a girl’s girl. But the phrase, which has also been in the zeitgeist this past year thanks to Ariana Grande’s controversial relationship with Ethan Slater, has gained popularity on TikTok as women attempt to explain to other women—and men—what this weirdly hard-to-define terms means.
For the most part, a girl’s girl is in the eye of the beholder. A girl’s girl tells you when your tag is showing. A girl’s girl compliments you in the bathroom. A girl’s girl tells you if she overhears that your boyfriend’s cheating on you. A girl’s girl puts women first, no matter what.
It’s that last part that gives me pause. It reminds me of 2018, when feminism, in response to the misogyny of the Trump presidency, turned into blindly celebrating women, which in turn erroneously put women above criticism. This was a problem just just because it was unrealistic, but also because women can be equal perpetrators of things like racism and abuse as men. So when I hear women demand other women be girl’s girls, what I really here is that familiar echo of women telling women they have to support each other no matter what…WHILE AT THE SAME TIME being, ironically, exclusionary to any women who don’t fit the specific definition of “good” that you’ve decided.
If “girl’s girl” is on one end of the spectrum, then I know what’s on the other end: being “not like other girls.” And yet, the two share similarities. “I’m not like other girls” is a straightforward act of internalised misogyny, but the prescriptive nature of “girl’s girl” seems like a newer, sneakier iteration of women policing the behavior of other women. It’s putting all the blame on the woman when a man cheats on his girlfriend with her. It’s cutting off a friend because she doesn’t blindly support another friend’s harmful behavior.
Men aren’t having these discussions. There’s no “guy’s guys.” Because when men fuck up, it’s understood to be part of just being a person. But even in our more progressive society, women are still revolving litmus tests for how the next woman should be treated, based on the previous woman’s performance. It’s why every woman founder gets a takedown article, while men who engage in similar behavior are just “doing business.”
But the real problem with girl’s girls is what I mentioned in the beginning: there’s no clear definition. Not that I think there should be a blanket rule for how women should act, but when a term like this is used and weaponized inconsistently, it becomes impossible to feel like you’re doing anything right.
What do you think? What does the term “girl’s girl” mean to you? I’d love to hear your thoughts on Diem.
ICYMI
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