Am I dealing with a covert narcissist?
Have you ever been in a death-by-one-thousand papercuts relationship?
Today’s guest column is by Ariella Steinhorn, a New York City-based writer whose work focuses on relationship dynamics and the spectrum of power to love. She founded Superposition and Lioness, companies that work with whistleblowers to bring forward stories about power, and Nonlinear Love, an initiative that tells unconventional love stories without judgment or prescription.
But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:
I have yet to stay the night with him because in the morning I usually fart and burp loud.
Do you guys sometimes feel like you need to take a shit when you masturbate?
At my workplace I am not considered cool as I dont drink or smoke
It seems these days that everyone is diagnosing everyone with some sort of personality disorder. We are all junior psychologists, trying to make sense of how and why people act the way they do in relation to themselves and to others. I don’t love putting people into categories. It feels simplistic to distill the complexity of human beings into a type of personality bucket. (Also! I am not a psychiatrist.) But I have been fascinated recently with a type of person that many of us have come into contact with, whose behavior can be difficult to recognize or pinpoint until you have experienced it yourself: the covert narcissist.
The covert narcissist is not overtly abusive. They rarely yell or scream, and have an almost eerie ability to remain cool, calm, and collected. They perceive themselves as highly ethical and logical, and therefore want to maintain the perfect sheen that comes along with being an example of professionalism. Lastly, and most importantly for their social and financial survival, they attach themselves to someone or something that gives them a sense of purpose, status, or financial safety–and oftentimes to a person who may be imperfect or emotional themselves.
I heard a story recently about the ex of an artist friend of mine. The ex, who was wealthy, saw herself as perfect and as someone who could do no wrong, the epitome of responsibility. Meanwhile, the artist, no matter what he did, could never do anything right. The sky was not blue if he said it was, especially if they were in private without someone else there to confirm his reality. The criticism increased in volume and severity when they had a child together.
He was a free spirit with a dark sense of humor, and feeling suffocated in his relationship, he decided to leave. All of a sudden, no longer under her tight grasp but still connected by their children, the criticism around his parenting style and his mental health increased.
His ex started to dissect the parts of his personality and way of being that she had previously found endearing or attractive or something to promote in public–and warp them into something that was irresponsible and imperfect when not under her control. His reality was constantly questioned. He lost time with his kid. His challenges with anxiety, which he openly shared, were then weaponized against him. He started to deflate in his ex’s presence and lose himself as a means of self-preservation to avoid the death by one-thousand paper cut insults.
This dynamic is, unfortunately, not uncommon. A friend of mine brought on a business partner a couple of years ago. This woman, who was much older than my friend, appeared at face value to be everything she was looking for: a hard worker, someone with a decent sense of humor, an independent thinker, and a person who was committed to the company my friend had created. They also had a mutual interest in psychology, and my friend opened up to this older woman about her family history and past relationships, and vice versa.
Soon, their professional and personal worlds blurred, and my friend excitedly brought this woman into her social and professional networks. But over time, my friend started to see that this person was a really good talker and charmer, with little meat to the bone. As the years passed, the woman was still completing basic tasks, but with an equal stake in the business and full veto power over my friend’s desire for her to grow.
In order to operate as a pair, my friend told me she noticed herself letting a lot of things slide to keep the woman happy. She felt guilty, constantly, that she was doing something wrong–which was exacerbated by attending parties with mutual friends and hearing people say, “I heard from (older woman) that your work needs constant quality control,” or “I hear you don’t get to work often until 2pm.” My friend was not always punctual or perfect with paperwork or logistics, but she brought in the lion’s share of the money and connections, and had a creative bent. She worked hard. To cope, she started to shrink herself.
My friend eventually–like the artist in his relationship–became suffocated by the older woman’s energy,and began to distance herself. As she created distance and cleared her head from the fog of the emotional bond, she started to notice subtle forms of manipulation. For example, when my friend would explicitly say she did not want to do something, the partner would give it some time and then say “It sounds like you want to do [exactly what my friend did not want to do].”
They started to diverge. My friend called out this person for not pulling their weight as an equal partner expected to bring in money,and the woman began attacking my friend for being unethical and a bully any time she provided feedback. Later on, years after they separated, my friend discovered something that made her stomach twist.
It turns out this woman had been calculating to assume power from the very beginning. During their very first video shoot together, the woman, who was then just a contract worker, explicitly asked the videographer to ensure that she was displayed in the foreground to look “powerful,” while my friend was in the background. Much of what my friend had been sharing with this woman was actually just a means for this person to learn as much as she could to manipulate the dynamic, and my friend’s personality, to her advantage. And when my friend finally came to the conclusion that this person lacked the substance or momentum that she needed in a business partner, the woman had no choice but to make my friend the villain, and herself the victim.
After my friend learned the details of the behind-the-scenes manipulation, she brought it to her therapist, disturbed that there may have never been an organic underpinning to the relationship between the two women to begin with. Were any of the interactions between these two women authentic, or part of some broader calculated plan to assume power? I suppose that we all exist on a spectrum of authentic to performer, oftentimes letting go of our authenticity to “play the game” and achieve certain ends. I still wonder, in being our full selves, whether we open ourselves up to those who are more calculated to latch on and take advantage of us.
When my friend parted ways with the calculating woman, she instantly realized that in no way did she need this woman for quality control. As her therapist put it, my friend was gaslighting herself in feeling that she was not capable without this partner. My friend continued to grow her work, file her taxes, make professional connections, flourish creatively, and live a pleasant and joyful life unencumbered by that energy. She has found a new partner in her professional endeavors who supports her constructively and healthily. Similarly, my artist friend has found the new love of his life, and sets healthy boundaries with what information he provides his ex.
Threats from people demanding perfection–whether it is born out of jealousy, or a need to build a personality out of criticizing someone else–are a difficult thing to experience in intimate relationships. And relationships like what both of my friends endured can make anyone want to clam up and turn away from expressiveness and authenticity.
But at the end of the day, I’d rather be like either of my friends who transcended these experiences—savoring abundance, open to new friendships and connections, and aware of and accepting the imperfections in themselves and in others, too—than live life as a victim.
ICYMI
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