'I make more money than my partner'
Help!
A few weeks ago, we asked members of the community to pitch their own stories for this newsletter, as we want to hear from more voices and broaden our own perspectives. Our next guest essay is by Alice Jackson, a writer, speaker, campaigner and all-round radical feminist. In March 2021, Alice co-founded Strut Safe and now works independently pushing for equity and liberation. She has spoken at the United Nations. In her spare time, Alice enjoys Danish pastries and graveyards (as she always remains an emo at heart).
Want to write for us? If you want to pitch a guest essay idea for the newsletter, read this guide and email our editor, Taylor Majewski, at taylor@askdiem.com.
I make more money than my partner. Not much more. But I do.
In early 2021, I was in my last semester of university and applying for the usual graduate schemes. Then Sarah Everard was kidnapped and murdered in South London, sparking widespread debate about women’s safety in the UK. I desperately wanted to take action in the wake of her death, so I cofounded Strut Safe, an award-winning UK helpline that people can call when they’re walking or traveling home alone. Strut Safe is a free public service and the only one of its kind in the world (note: earlier this month, I left Strut Safe as it was time for a new chapter). Over the past two years, I have campaigned, marched, lectured, and spoken across parliaments, television, schools, and at the United Nations.
I never expected any of this to happen. I love my life, but truly, I sort of…fell into it. I could write an entirely different essay about the imposter syndrome I feel about that. But I work hard, and I’m smart. I also know I’m really good at what I do (feminism, professionally!).
All of this is to say—my partner and I are both 23, but we’re at very different points in our careers. Due to the nature of my work, I earn more than him. In our day-to-day lives, we tend to split finances fairly equally, but occasionally, I’ll cover the cost of expensive things so we can have certain experiences together.
However, I feel confused and frustrated by my own discomfort around him earning more than me, especially doing the work that I do. It’s simply not a big deal—so why is there a small voice in my head telling me that I’m doing something wrong?
Maybe because we’ve been socialized to expect to make less money than our male counterparts. The gender pay gap is alive and well, both in the UK and in the U.S. We also know that men are typically favored for jobs and promotions over women and that women face greater domestic pressures. Echo chambers on the internet will tell you that it’s totally fine to make more than your partner, but we talk less about the raised eyebrows we might receive from say, our mothers, about such things. For me, those less-talked-about reactions to earning more than my partner feed—rather than dismantle—internalized misogyny.
Growing up, I didn’t know a single woman who consistently made more than her male partner, and it wasn’t shown in the media I consumed either. In fact, almost every successful woman depicted in TV and film was often single because ‘no man could handle her.’ It’s incredibly harmful to teach young women that they’ll end up alone when they pursue their dreams. We cannot simply have success—there has to be a catch.
But what if I was lonely forever?
That’s internalized misogyny speaking. The reality is that I’m with someone who supports me. To him, the fact that I earn more money is not a problem, despite my own feelings of imposter syndrome. In fact, he likes that I earn more than him!
If you’re also experiencing this, I want to conclude with some actionable takeaways that have helped me. I hope they resonate because you deserve all of your success.
Have honest, open conversations about money with your partner. If you’re British, I know you will struggle with this. That’s okay.
Check-in regularly with yourself about what you’re comfortable spending money on, both inside and outside of your relationship.
Find other women in your life who also make more than your partner. Talk with them!
Anytime that feeling of discomfort emerges, isolate it and try and identify what caused it. This will help you discover if these feelings are rooted in anxiety or rooted in genuine discomfort caused by a situation or partner.
Refrain from comparing your career or finances to your partner’s.
If a relationship breaks down over this, remember that this is not your fault. A person who cannot handle you making more money than them is probably not someone you want to be with.
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