I'm marrying a man. Am I still queer?
There’s no one right way to be queer, no matter what our echo chamber algorithms tell us.
This guest essay essay is by M Alzamora, a freelance writer in Atlanta.
Community spaces are here! Update the app to check out some spaces already created by your fellow Diemers, like Decentering Men, Gossip to get your heart rates up, and Neurodivergent Corner, or request your own!
But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:
My fiancé is amazing. He’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, and he has bits for days. But there’s one little problem: Now that I’m getting married, my queer identity is being called into question.
I came out as bisexual in high school, though now at my “wizened” age of twenty-five, I prefer the term “queer.” Whenever I come out to straight people, they love to ask very personal questions. What is the exact percentage split of female to male attraction (they never consider other genders)? How far have I gone with a woman?
If I say I’m dating a man or a woman, they’ll ask if I “picked a side” and am now swearing off the other. And of course, there’s the classic assumption, or even statement, that I’m actually also straight like them. Queerness was just a phase or a way to feel special.
It isn’t just straight people with this weird attitude, either. Some of the recent bisexual discourse revolves around excluding queer women who date men. Even the women who are dating these men have jumped on the trend, lamenting their partner’s gender. Who would date a gross icky man over a perfect woman, right?
Whenever I hear stuff like this, I try to ask myself: “Who is this helping?” Not the women like me, who feel like they aren’t welcome in the queer community. Certainly not men, because feeling like a last or wrong choice isn’t good for anyone’s psyche. And then where do masc non-men fall in this uncomfortable game? What about queer men who are dating women?
What it seems to come down to is internalized biphobia. (For the queer community, at least. Straight people can be pretty overt about it.) I still struggle with this, though it’s gotten easier with time. If I’m not dating women on the regular, am I still queer? By committing to a man, am I forfeiting my bisexual card?
With the help of the internet, this internal fear can spread far and fast until it becomes easily accessible, and even acceptable. What does this achieve? A re-narrowing of the definition of queer that ends up including very few people.
A lot of the rhetoric from both straight and gay communities seem to reinforce this idea of choosing, of having a partner with the “correct” gender. But there is no Perfect Queer Person. There’s no one right way to be queer, no matter what our echo chamber algorithms tell us. The only requirement is that it makes you happy.
So, internet: Am I straight? Have I been straight this whole time because my (likely) final partner is a man? Does my wedding ring automatically negate my queerness?
Personally, I say no. I always have found and still find women, nonbinary people, and other genders both romantically and physically appealing. My partner will still find femmes attractive, too. It’s one of the many things we have in common.
Marrying a man isn’t picking a side; it’s choosing a person. Cliché, I know, but true. And important. All communities have to accept that you don’t have to be 100% hetero- or homosexual, but can be one of many secret, third things. What matters at the end of the day, to me at least, is the character of both myself and my partner.
I’m still very queer, married or not. And in case you were wondering—yes, I’ll be bringing my husband to Pride with me.
ICYMI
S*x Sweat and Growing Through
Community spaces are here! Update the app to check out some spaces already created by your fellow Diemers, like Decentering Men, Gossip to get your heart rates up, and Neurodivergent Corner, or request your own! Forwarded this email? Subscribe now for the best of Diem every Tuesday and Friday.
Before you go…
Creator, oracle, host — which girlie are you? Apply to our brand new VIP Ambassador program and get special perks like free access to paid newsletters, the chance to be featured on our Instagram, the ability to host Salons, exclusive WhatsApp groups and more 👀 Plus, we're creating a 🎓 Diem College Campus Ambassador Program 🎓. If you're a college student, head over here to fill out our feedback survey!
Yes you are still queer if that’s what best represents you being with a man doesn’t make you less queer you’re valid so if queer is a accurate label for you that makes you happy then you’re valid