I'm terrified of penetration
Advice from the "Sex Ed with DB" podcast!
Today’s essay is from Danielle Bezalel, host of the Sex Ed with DB podcast, a feminist podcast bringing you all the sex ed you never got through unique and entertaining storytelling, centering LGBTQ+ and BIPOC experts.
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But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:
First thing’s first: I’m so sorry you’re experiencing pain during penetrative sex! That really, really sucks and sex should feel good for you. My answer below is assuming that the pain you’re experiencing is during consensual sex. If you’re having sex that you are not consenting to, please know that is not your fault — here are some resources to help: RAINN and NSVRC.
In terms of pain happening during consensual penetrative sex, there can be many reasons why: stress, not taking your time before engaging in penetration (a recent study showed that it took people with vulvas ~14 mins to fully warm up before being able to reach orgasm during partnered sex), a health condition, etc. The best thing to do is make an appointment with your doctor (ideally a gyno) to let them know what is going on. They will hopefully be able to get you the best, most tailored medical care for your specific experience. Here are a list of potential things that could be happening to cause pain during sex below:
1) There could not be enough lubrication. Lube is amazing and makes sex more pleasurable for most people. Remember to not use an oil-based lubes with a condom because the condom could break. As always, I recommend Uberlube (I have a bottle on my nightstand as I type this)!
2) You could have a vaginal infection or an STI. Make an appointment with your doctor when you can to talk about your symptoms to get the care you need.
3) You could have a condition like endometriosis, vaginismus, or dyspareunia. Sometimes it’s really hard to diagnose folks with these conditions (which really sucks); read more about this from professionals at the Mayo Clinic here.
4) You may be experiencing some emotional pain such as stress, PTSD, anxiety, depression, or other psychological issues. The body and the mind are extremely connected and if you experience psychological pain, it could cause pain during penetrative sex.
5) It could be something else! The only way to find out is by listening to your body, making an appointment with a healthcare professional, and trying your best to figure out the issue.
I also want to make this loud and clear: sex is more than just penetration! Think of sex as kissing, touching, licking, sucking, stroking, cuddling, using toys, going slooooow, and anything that turns you on. No one should be making you feel pressured to engage in penetration — that’s including friends, pop culture, movies and TV shows, etc. YOU are in charge of your pleasure journey!
While you’re trying to figure out what could be causing your pain, know that you’re not alone and that you deserve the most pleasurable, wonderful sex! Listen to one of our most popular episodes to get the info you need: Painful Sex and Getting Answers at the Gynecologist with Dr. Karen Tang. And in the meantime, explore pleasuring that clit with a toy or hand. Hang in there, love!
Xoxo,
DB
ICYMI
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