I'm worried my ex will leak my nudes. What can I do?
A lawyer shares advice.
We’re going viral again! Welcome to all our new Diemers 💕 keep reading to see what we’re about! —Kate
But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:
My bf gets jealous that I have more engaging and fun conversations with my friends
Has anyone reported a sexual assault to the police? How did it go for you?
Is it wrong to let a guy try and flirt with me despite the fact that I’m gay?
i need real tips and exercises to kill the part that cringes
I’m a newish mom and feel like it’s turning into my whole personality…
Working for Diem means getting a front row seat to modern womanhood. The thoughts and problems that plague our users can be equal parts funny and inspiring (see the recent Diemer’s Choice Awards for more evidence of that). But just as often, we see our users facing the not-so-fun realities of being women, and so we wanted to answer a question we’ve seen come up multiple times on the app: “I'm worried my ex will leak my nudes. Is there anything I can do?”
From celebrity phone hacks to AI-generated nudes, women’s intimate photos are often weaponized against them, despite being expected in many romantic relationships. Taking these photos of yourself can be a form of self-love, too, but in the wrong hands, they have the potential to be used against you as something called “revenge porn.”
Don’t worry—this is not a newsletter about why you shouldn’t take nudes. Every woman has the right to celebrate her body with herself or her trusted partner. But what if that trust gets broken?
We took this issue to Cali Madia, a partner at Daniel Szalkiewicz & Associates, P.C. who focuses on internet privacy and defamation, to find out what Diemers can do to protect themselves. The best option, she says, is to get in writing over text or email that you forbid this person from sharing these photos, and ask them to destroy it.
“Saying something along the lines of ‘you do not currently nor have you ever had my permission to share my intimate content, please delete any and all intimate content depicting me’ would, if he/she goes onto do just that, allow the victim to easily demonstrate the ex did not have consent to disseminate,” Madia says. “Entering into a written agreement in which both parties agree to destroy the content would be a step further than that and, at a minimum, such verbiage should be included in divorce settlements.”
But at the same time, preemptively addressing the issue could only serve to put the idea in the other person’s head, so approach with caution. If you feel that’s a risk, it might be safer to do nothing—but know you are protected should the worst happen.
“Right now, victims of nonconsensual pornography/image-based sexual abuse have loads of options available to them,” Madia says, so look up the revenge porn laws in your state. Then, follow these steps:
Preserve the information — Don’t just take a screenshot of what’s been leaked, but save the URL, any identifying information about who leaked it, and make copies. “I know it sounds counterintuitive to make more copies of the very content you want gone for good, but this is invaluable information in any case against a perpetrator—civil or criminal,” Madia says.
Bring everything to the police —“Given NCP (nonconsensual pornography) is underreported and, frankly, not what officers—especially veteran officers—are trained to handle, we always recommend going to the police as prepared as possible,” Madia says. “That includes print-outs of the evidence you preserve, as well as reference to the state's law against nonconsensual pornography.”
Research your options — How things go from here depends on your situation. “If you know who is sharing your images and that person is a former partner, many states have family courts which victims can use to obtain restraining orders,” Madia says. “Family court is an underutilized tool in the fight against NCP because, generally, the process is very approachable, proceedings are sealed, and you can often walk out of the court house with a temporary restraining order.”
Recent developments have also made civil proceedings more victim-friendly, including a reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act. “It provides an avenue for victims to proceed anonymously and sets a floor of $150,000 in liquidated damages,” Madia says. “There are also state and municipal laws that make unlawful the dissemination of intimate content, as well as the threat to disseminate intimate content.”
Have you ever gotten your nudes back from an ex? Have any tips for Diemers? Share your thoughts here.
ICYMI
Want our weekly roundup of the best of Diem each week? Make sure you’re subscribed to The Briefing!
Before you go…
Last month we put out a call for content creators to help spread the gospel of Diem—and you all delivered. Here’s a look at what you’ve been up to:
