Is it cheating if he follows lots of Instagram models?
On digital cheating and online boundaries.
Hi everyone! If you have ~*thoughts*~ on boyfriends following Instagram models, then you’re probably someone who’d thrive at Sex and the City trivia…luckily for you, Diem + Goss have joined forces for a Sex and the City Quiz night in NYC. Cosmos will be provided by BODY vodka. RSVP here and feel free to invite friends! — Kate
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Ok, this one has been a long time coming. The question of what to do if your partner follows IG models, or people they’re attracted to on social media, has come up so many times on Diem recently that I feel it’s only right that we discuss this together.
We’re not the first to broach this highly-contested topic. Over the past few years, there have been multiple viral moments like Adam Levine’s DMs with a model, the debate about whether paying for OnlyFans is cheating, and now the rise in men “cheating” with AI sex-bots. Yes, really.
So is it cheating if your partner follows people they think are really hot, or is it just kinda icky? Do we feel weird about it because women have been so conditioned to view male attention (and “getting the man”) as the prize, so other women (like IG models) are our competition in this silent battle for validation? Is there a difference between following hot girls and liking/commenting on their pics?
As far as that last question goes, my take is yes. It’s not cheating to acknowledge someone is hot when you walk past them in the street. As soon as you move from watching to engaging, however, you’re seeking to form a closer bond with this person, or maybe have them notice you. Is liking an IG model/hot celebrity’s photo like tapping the hot person you just walked past on the shoulder? Idk, what do you think?
Relatedly, I loved this reply in Diem to the question “Is it normal if your 30+ year old boyfriend follows lots of IG models?”
“Lic. Psychologist here: it’s up to every couple, most important is that each feel their feelings and boundaries are respected. In a couple-ship, individuals start from different ends and a healthy bonding process is to show each other that y’all prioritize the other one and want to at least meet halfway or more when possible. Compromising and giving up hurtful behaviors are essential for a healthy relationship. The question should be, why does he think it’s worth hurting your feelings?”
I saw a tweet the other day that said, “Male self-help is about self-control. Female self-help is about self-love.” And I can’t stop thinking about it.
I would at this point like to remind us all that women also do the same behavior. For example, I follow Jacob Elordi, and while I’d love to claim it’s entirely because he’s a good actor, I simply cannot. Is that the same as a heterosexual man following EmRata? While I’m not trying to justify my objectification of Jacob, there’s something that feels a little less predatory about heterosexual women following men they find attractive. While I’m sure women fantasize about these men in sexual ways, we never feel entitled to their bodies in the way many men do of women’s. The table stakes are just different.
FWIW, this debate does not exclude same-sex relationships. The root of this issue is insecurity. Most people hold insecurities, and most of us don’t want to say them out loud—because it’s embarrassing! If the person you hold closest is making those insecurities worse via their digital behavior, it becomes even harder to call out, simply because the nature of the things we do on our phones feel more “private” than our real-world behavior. Is it perhaps the secrecy of it all that’s the problem?
While the joys of jealousy don’t allow many of us to think favorably of our partners finding other people attractive, it is normal to find other people attractive. We are all red-blooded humans. However, women in relationships with men may feel especially uncomfortable with “digital cheating” due to decades of gender stereotyping that conditions female partners of men to believe they are more responsible for “pleasing” their man to keep them—whether that be with sexy lingerie or keeping up a regular sex life. Fun fact: This sense of responsibility has historically also caused a decline in the intimacy of female friendships! Stephanie Coontz explains in her book Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage that as recently as the 1960s, it was hard to think of personal happiness as the goal of marriage when so many women simply did it to survive. As marriage for survival was a reality for many, it was common for very close female friendships to form in the absence of an intimate marriage. But this all began to change in the wake of a few pivotal societal shifts.
The first shift was the breakdown of the sexual intimacy taboo. As marital sex became a more acceptable talking point, the focus on marital intimacy became an obligation of wives. The assumption here is that this focus took their attention away from developing close female friendships in favour of fulfilling their responsibility to deepen the connection with their husbands. While this is not as big of a problem today, I do believe there’s still a hangover from that time. If a partner is following excessive numbers of IG models, subscribes to OnlyFans, or is talking to an AI sex-bot, it can trigger women into feeling undesirable and perhaps even a “failure” due to the traditional expectations of doing anything to ‘please your man.’
My conclusion is that anytime you are seeking to form a direct sexual or emotional bond with someone you find attractive on the internet, it is the same as having an emotional affair with someone you know IRL. I also believe the quantity of these interactions matters: Following a handful of hot people feels more “normal” than say, 78.
So, what do you think? Can we settle this debate once and for all? Drop your thoughts in Diem.
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