My husband is turning me into his girl best friend

Without intimacy, is our relationship doomed?

Community spaces are here! Update the app to check out some spaces already created by your fellow Diemers, like Decentering Men, Gossip to get your heart rates up, and Neurodivergent Corner, or request your own!

But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:

1. Anyone else masturbate before a date?   

2. Do tampons break your hymen?  

3. Am I the asshole for not being excited for my ex best friends engagement?   

4. How do I shave down there? I always end up getting spikey or prickly

5. Can humans only experience sexual attraction during certain times of year?   

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Last year, I read a New York Times article about a phenomenon I had never heard of, but instantly recognized: the “bristle reaction.” According to California sex therapist Vanessa Marin, it’s something that can happen in any long term relationship, as day-to-day intimacy fades: “Holding hands in line at the dry cleaners gives way to kissing only as foreplay, and eventually any touching is interpreted as a prelude to sex,” the article reads. “The touch can feel ‘loaded,’ because an expectation is attached to it.” Without even realizing, you flinch.

I lead with this because in many ways the “bristle reaction” isn’t about sex, but is more of an indicator of the role of touch in your relationship. If outside of sex you and your partner don’t touch at all, then it’s easy to feel relegated to simply a best friend. And if any touching that does occur starts feeling like a demand, you may eventually stop wanting to indulge it.

That’s how we get here, where questions about the “right” amount of sex to have in a relationship, or fears that dwindling sex means you’re headed for a breakup, appear on Diem at least once a week. So let’s answer those questions first: