Am I wrong for not telling my partner my salary?

A guest post from The Purse's Lindsey Stanberry.

Mar 12, 2024

Lindsey Stanberry is a writer, editor, consultant, and founder of

, a site about women and money. At Refinery29, she launched the Work & Money vertical and ran Money Diaries, a franchise that garnered an international cult following. Lindsey is the author of Money Diaries: Everything You Want to Know About Your Finances…And Everyone Else’s.

But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:

I’ve been thinking about this question a lot ever since I first read it, and it makes me feel so many things. I feel sad that you don’t feel like you can talk with your partner about money. But I also understand why you’re angry and frustrated that he doesn’t contribute equally to the incredibly hard work of raising a child and managing a household. I think a lot of moms can relate.

It never ceases to amaze me how money makes many of us so uncomfortable that we won’t discuss it with the people we are closest to. You had sex with this man and made a baby! That’s big stuff! And yet you’re unwilling to talk with him about your salary. A licensed therapist would probably have a field day. I am not a therapist, just an opinionated woman who writes about money for a living. You can feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt.

I don’t think hiding how much you earn is a smart-woman move, but I also don’t think it’s necessarily deceptive either. Based on the limited information I know about you and your partner, it seems you two have established a relationship that doesn’t require you to talk about money. I’m assuming you’re not married (otherwise you’d probably file taxes together and then he’d know what you earn). I’m also assuming you don’t own a home together (another instance when you two would have to be forthcoming about your finances). I’m even going to guess that one of you is not on the lease of your home, since rental applications usually require applicants to share all their financial information.

Essentially, what I’m saying here is that eventually, if your relationship is going to continue to evolve, you’re probably going to need to share your salary with your partner at some point. It’s not likely you can keep it a secret forever. Maybe don’t wait until it’s time to fill out the FAFSA application for your kid to go to college.

Most of us have complicated feelings about money—and many of us struggle with tying our self worth to our salary (hi, it’s me). But I’m going to suggest we try to reframe how we think about it. At the end of the day, cash is really nothing more than a tool. We earn money so we can pay for the things that we need to run our lives, and if we’re lucky, we have some left over to spend on fun stuff. In an ideal world, when you’re in a relationship, you and your partner can pool your resources, so you can do even more things with that money.

If we think of money as a tool and not a representation of our self worth, it should arguably be easier to have conversations about what to do with said cash. Beyond just paying the bills, what do you want to do with your money? And how can planning with your partner and pooling your resources help you achieve those goals? Personally, I find the idea of sitting down and plotting out a future together—while realistically talking about money (and yes, being open about your salary)—to be so romantic.

I’ll also admit that it’s not always easy. I’ve been married for 15 years, and I still struggle with these conversations. Last year, my husband thought I lost my mind when I first started talking about leaving my full-time job to freelance. I was giving up a big salary that helped us live very comfortably. And yet, he ultimately understood why I needed to make the change. With his financial and emotional support, I was able to take that big leap. It was scary, yes, in part because many of us strong women never want to feel like we’re dependent on a man. But my husband and I also trust each other, and I think that’s, in part, a result of us being open about our finances.

This is not to say you need to combine your finances and never look back. It’s one thing to be open about your financial situation and another thing entirely to make the decision to share all your accounts. Over the years, I’ve interviewed hundreds of women about how they manage their money with their partners, and I’ve seen so many different systems. Ultimately, you have to figure out what works for you, and it’s perfectly legit to not want to have a conversation over every single purchase you make. You can be open about your salary and still maintain some privacy when it comes to your spending and saving decisions.

Perhaps more important than the money conversation is the need for you two to sit down and talk about the household division of labor. Now this is a hard conversation—maybe even more difficult than talking about money, TBH! You’re far from alone in feeling like your partner doesn’t do enough when it comes to household responsibilities. That’s probably why there are seemingly thousands of self-help books on the topic, the most popular being Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.

Right now, around the world, there are dozens (hundreds? thousands? millions?) of women annoyed that their partners never wipe down the countertops. At the same time, there are dozens (hundreds? thousands? millions?) of men who are being praised for being “good dads” because they simply took their kid to the playground. It’s not fair, and most of the time men don’t get it. And talking with your partner about needing him to pick up the slack can sometimes be fraught. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be having these hard conversations.

Going back to the idea that we shouldn’t tie our self worth to our salaries, I also don’t believe that couples should divide up household labor based on who earns what. If you earn more money than your partner, that doesn’t mean you’re automatically off the hook when it comes to raising kids or managing the home. Yes, there are times when you might need to lean out more than others, but parenting is so much easier when it’s a team sport. And sometimes, shared resources mean paying for additional support, like a house cleaner, a babysitter, takeout on nights when no one wants to cook. This can be money very well spent if it makes everyone at home feel more relaxed and less stressed. But it should be a shared expense, not one shouldered by one person.

Ultimately, you have to decide how you and your partner want to manage your money, and if you want to tell him your salary. Relationships are like snowflakes (sorry to use a cheesy metaphor!)—each one is unique and delicate. But I hope you won’t shy away from the hard conversations that could make your bond stronger. I know how strong you are—you’re a mother after all. You can do this. And I think you want to.

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