Should my friends hate my ex?
Misery loves company.
Today’s guest column is from Layla Ahmad, a writer and producer at CTV. She answers a Diemer wno just went through a breakup and is wondering: Is it okay for them to expect their friends to hate their ex in solidarity?
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This situation requires nuance. Feelings about your ex, which will then inform how your friends feel about your ex, can range anywhere from annoyance, dislike, repulsion, to, on the extreme end of the spectrum, hatred. But hate is not applicable to every breakup. It can be as extreme as however much YOU dislike your ex.
Speaking as a friend, these things often follow a simple formula. Take whatever you feel for your ex, and your friends will likely feel double that. For example, if your ex did something awful and nasty—maybe they cheated on you—then you probably hate them. Your friends, however, hate hate them. On the other hand, if you had an amicable break up, then your friends have probably landed somewhere around “general distaste and/or annoyance.”
Let’s say you, as a friend, have always disliked your friend’s partner. This is your time to shine. Even just a quick “he always smelled funny” or “we all talked about how you were way too cool for him” can help boost your friend’s morale, and is a productive way to channel feelings that, up until then, may have had to simmer under the surface.
But do your friends have to hate your ex? Not necessarily. Not everyone has hate in their heart, and you, no matter how heartbroken, can’t make them. But whatever they do, your friends should never go out of their way to like or praise your ex, even if things ended okay. That is just plain weird.
Meanwhile, if a friend sees your ex in public they can (or should) inform you of their sighting. That’s just basic manners. If I see a friend's ex (boyfriend, partner, situationship, hookup, one night stand, whatever) I personally like to send a “OMFGG [THEIR NAME] is here …. WOOF” text. While it’s not a devastating blow, it frames the ex as a tiny punchline, instead of a gaping wound. Generally, your friends should always follow your lead… The less terrible the breakup was, the easier your friends can go on your ex.
Ultimately, however, your friends’ priority should be healing, not hate. Your friends should be there to build you back up in the aftermath of a breakup. If hatred and pointing and laughing is what you need, then so be it. If your friend is taking your ex’s side in the breakup for some reason—breaking news, that is not your friend. Misery loves company, but if the company can help misery feel better about themselves, even better.
Do you expect your friends to hate your ex? Have you been the friend who didn’t hate their friend’s ex? Come talk about it on Diem.
ICYMI
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“Ultimately, however, your friends’ priority should be healing, not hate.” - Loved this! That was a nice read.