Why do I always feel like a 'side friend'?
When you feel like a side friend, you feel like an afterthought.
Today’s newsletter is about an issue that’s come up a few times on Diem recently: how to deal with friends who treat you like an afterthought.
But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:
I am stuck in a marriage with a husband that has zero interest in sex
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Watching Mean Girls as a tween means the OG movie (not musical) is responsible for many of my formative beliefs: Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And that when Gretchen Wieners thought it was better to be in The Plastics, hating life, than to not be in at all, she was being downright delulu.
At the time, however, Gretchen was feeling like a “side friend,” a term that’s come up a lot recently on Diem. When you feel like a side friend, you feel like an afterthought. You can tell you’re not someone’s first choice for the brunch invite or movie ticket. You’re always the one texting first. Plans seem to just happen to the other people in the friend group, while you’re constantly trying to make sure they remember to include you. But a side friend shouldn’t be an inevitable part of every friendship circle. You don’t have to accept it. If you feel like a side friend, it means your “friends” are treating you poorly.
But before we get into that, ask yourself: Are you actually a side friend, or are you feeling insecure? When we feel insecure, it’s tempting to turn that feeling into a story. “I feel insecure” can quickly become “no one wants to hang out with me.” When you’re telling yourself this story, every text and conversation gets warped. You spin an earnest text asking to hang out as a pity invite. You reflect back on your time at drinks with the opposite of rose-colored glasses.
I was talking about friendship and loneliness with creator
last week, and she said something interesting: Loneliness is a symptom of people-pleasing. Loneliness is the misconception that you are not enough as you are. Whether you erroneously believe you’re the side friend, or are actively being treated as a side friend, it’s because you don’t believe you deserve better treatment, that you warrant love just as you are.
Once you’ve determined whether or not you’re actually being treated like a side friend—based on concrete evidence you can see and hear in the moment, not the “what if” thoughts in your brain—you can do something about it. While I think it’s always worth being direct about your concerns, I’m skeptical that anyone treating you like a side friend is a friendship worth fighting for. We often hold onto whatever scraps these friends throw us because we’re convinced, like Gretchen, that being alone would be worse. I can tell you, first hand, that’s not the case.
I’ve had several times in my life when I gripped tight to friendships I knew, deep down, weren’t right. I told myself it was better to have any friends than none at all. But the constant insecurity of these friendships, of approaching every weekend with dread because I had no idea if I’d be included in plans or not, was devastating. After almost a year of this, I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t confront them, I just simply let go. I stopped following up and, more importantly, stopped investing emotionally in whether I’d hear from them. I started approaching weekends with the expectation that I’d be spending them alone.
Learning how to hang out with yourself makes you more secure at hanging out with other people. It was these solo movie dates, bike rides to the bookstore, tables for one at restaurants I’ve been wanting to try, that showed me I’m actually a lot of fun. Within weeks of letting go of the people who weren’t right for me, I ended up stumbling into genuine friendships I still have to this day. You have to close a door to let another one open, which means there will be a brief period between doors that you spend alone.
The fear of that “alone” is what keeps us stuck as side friends. We accept the ghosting, the disregard of our time, the Instagram pictures taken at hangs we were never told about, because we assume that’s what we deserve. It’s only when we spend uncomfortable but necessary time with ourselves that we learn that’s not true. Once you realize how fun you are to be around, you can be confident that you’ll find the people who see it too. They’re out there, and you should feel empowered to find them. But the first person who needs to stop treating you like a side friend…is you.
Have you ever felt like a side friend? How did you handle it? What would you do in this situation?
ICYMI
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I felt like the side friend so much when I was younger that I made it my username LOL