Why do we share a bed?
Let's talk about communal sleeping.
Okay, this one’s been a long time coming. This week we’re exploring an important and sometimes overlooked relationship milestone—moving in and living with your partner. Let’s talk about the adjustment period, household labor divisions, maintaining alone time, creating coziness, and sharing a bed…forever?
“I can spend as much time with somebody as I want to spend, but I'm not looking to be with somebody forever or live with someone. I don't want somebody in my house.” – Whoopi Goldberg
Moving in with your partner is typically lauded as a big leap in a relationship. It marks a commitment to trying to create a home together and a milestone in the progression towards sealing “forever.” For most, it’s also a matter of economics or convenience, and for others, it’s a test of whether or not “forever” will work out. Before I get in too deep here, I would like to say that I do love living with my boyfriend, even in spite of the fact that he cannot pick up his clothes. ❤️
Complaints about your partner—who is also your roommate—when it comes to their way of living (and usual lack of tidiness) are a tale as old as time. Statistics, on heterosexual relationships especially, tend to outline that women are the ones to pick up the slack in these living arrangements, meaning they do most of the unpaid household work. I can relate to this, as this newsletter was certainly at risk of becoming a long open letter about someone who hasn’t vacuumed the apartment. But I don’t need to get into that today. Instead, let’s talk about sharing a bed for eternity.
The whole idea of sharing a bed with your partner, in perpetuity, has come up in multiple conversations I’ve had with friends throughout recent weeks. One friend brought up a great point—it’s so bizarre that we have our own bed our entire lives, but when we become fully grown adults in a “successful” relationship, we will share a bed until we die or the relationship ends. To be sure, there’s still a stigma when people—if they have the means—choose not to share a bed. Has it always been this way?
Let’s explore.
We absolutely need to start with the once-common practice of communal sleeping in pre-industrial Europe. Sleep has actually been a communal activity for centuries, used for survival purposes like heat and security. Everyone from families, to servants, to traveling strangers were known to bed share—John Adams and Benjamin Franklin famously shared a bed in 1776! During this era, private moments were evidently few and far between, so the bed developed as the place for a private moment. Interestingly, historian, A. Roger Ekirch noted that the bed was where siblings shared secrets or husbands & wives shared candid conversation. “It was a place where women found rare moments of autonomy within the patriarchal household. Sexual boundaries were redrawn. Lying abed in the dark encouraged wives to express concerns unsuited to other hours.” We don’t hate that. “Often a bedmate became your best friend,” Ekrich said. “Not just married couples, but sons sleeping with servants, sisters with one another, and aristocratic wives with mistresses. Darkness, within the intimate confines of a bed, leveled social distinctions despite differences in gender and status. Most individuals did not readily fall asleep but conversed freely. In the absence of light, bedmates coveted that hour when, frequently, formality and etiquette perished by the bedside.”
The Victorian Era put an end to this practice of communal sleeping. Bummer. In its place, evangelical Christian beliefs held that bed-sharing was improper and immoral, and new types of housing were being built with rooms for specific purposes. It was common for wealthy households to have separate rooms for husbands and wives! The need for “proper” behaviour was one reason for separate beds, but during the 19th century, disease was also rife. And in a now amusing quote from a housekeeping guide, people of the time believed that a sleeping person was the source of spreading disease. In England in the 1850s, they even made it illegal to sleep in the same bed as a stranger. Yes, really. “The air which surrounds the body under the bed clothing is exceedingly impure, being impregnated with the poisonous substances which have escaped through the pores of the skin.” – Mrs Elizabeth Holt.
But separate twin beds also bolstered the rise of the “new woman” in the late 1800s. This woman was adamant about not being subservient to her husband and wished to claim more autonomy. The sharing of a marital bed did not allow for her to enforce sexual boundaries, the perception being that she was always available to her husband. Sadly, with the end of World War II, the marketing of “family togetherness” had a lot to do with the disappearance of twin beds from marital homes. The twin bed faded as a symbol of empowerment and was instead re-branded as “prudish,” a soon-to-be relic of the pre-sexual revolution. And while we seem to now be re-entering an era of separate beds (though not many people openly admit that they don’t share a bed), that stigma still holds over from the 1970s.
“People don’t want to talk about it. It’s a dirty little secret… There are people who say sleeping apart is not good because it fosters distance, but I think you can argue both ways. People do, in fact, sleep more soundly when they sleep alone…The main issue is if you’re not sleeping in the same bed, the perception is you’re not having sex and people are afraid to admit to sleeping apart.” — Less Crespi, Couples Therapist.
I live in a one-bedroom apartment in New York, so unfortunately, contemplating separate sleeping arrangements isn’t in the cards for me right now. But maybe this has inspired a semi-awkward conversation for you to broach with your partner. Or maybe you’re reading this thinking how much you love cuddles and affection. That’s great too! But at least now you have the facts—sleeping separately as a means of maintaining civil cohabitation is not a new phenomenon, and it’s one that only became stigmatized in the 1970s.
Tell us your bed-sharing thoughts! And all your other hacks, tips, stories, and recommendations on how to live with someone. Is it possible to live together and not roll your eyes at yet another pair of socks left on the couch? How about getting over the fact they never picked up the vacuum? Or the fact they don’t put their plate in the dishwasher? How do you deal with their weird sleeping habits? Who has to clean the toilet seat? Why do some people literally not see dust? Who cooks and who cleans? How do you split the bills? The rent? Childcare? How do you find alone time? Literally every household interaction could present a difference of opinion. Share everything you know in our new Diem Doc on all things cohabitating.
What we’re reading…
Iranian women are rising up against decades of oppression (Washington Post)
Pennsylvania School District Bans “Girls Who Code” books (Business Insider)
Emotions aren’t the enemy of good decision making (HBR)
Gray hair is the new power move for women at work (WSJ)
Queen as content (Dirt)
From last week’s Diem Doc on Skincare Hacks & Musings…
Your towel is a beauty tool!
I first learned this via Joanna Vargas’s content and it’s so true – I noticed a huge difference in my skin/breakouts after changing my towel. If you use a terry cloth towel it could be too abrasive for your skin, she recommends a bamboo, soft cotton or muslin towel. Additionally, she suggests using a different towel on your face from the one you use on your body – your body towel could harbor bacteria/chemicals from shampoo/etc. Try it out! — 29, Greenwich
You can read the rest (or contribute), here.
See you next week,
Emma
co-founder, Diem
I just love reading your articles!