Why don't men ask women for advice?
Why don't men ask women for advice?
And we don't mean Siri.
Today’s newsletter is from CEO Emma Bates, who created Diem as a place for women to share advice—because men certainly aren’t listening.
But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:
How do you deal with comparison when it comes to your career?
Are men stinky because of their biology or they just dont take care of themselves enough?
I read this article by Ainsley Harris for Fast Company the other day: ”Tech bro podcasts are obsessed with alpha men, and it’s dangerous for the rest of us.” And I obviously have thoughts.
The article highlights how all major tech podcasts only really feature male founders, and how that’s not just a problem for female tech founders, who already struggle with being taken seriously. It’s also a problem that trickles down from the elite of Silicon Valley and into the daily lives of the masses. By profiling only specific (white, male) people, we are reinforcing a narrative that only this type of man can build a tech company, which in turn results in technology designed for everyday life, but created via a male gaze.
The article focuses heavily on the Lex Fridman podcast, who is most popular in the technology category:
“At first glance, Fridman might seem an unlikely influencer. His plodding baritone engages in only the most tentative banter. Episodes are a test of listener endurance, almost invariably running for more than an hour, if not two or three. And then there is Fridman’s monastic focus on his core interest: how to become a Great Man. Not quite 12% of Fridman’s 400-plus guests have been women, and among those, the vast majority have been women scientists who observe the world as it is, unlike his typical guest—alpha-male builders who want to bend the world to their will…Fridman’s podcast is just one podcast in a wildly popular media category dedicated to elevating male business and tech leaders who are eager to be celebrated as modern-day frontiersmen striding boldly (and profitably) into the great unknown.”
This got me thinking: Why don’t men ask women for advice in public? We all know men ask women for advice behind the scenes (“behind every great man is a great woman” and all that) but instances of men asking women for advice in public—on say, a tech podcast—are still few and far between.
The short answer to this entire essay could easily be: fragile male ego, which is a symptom of centuries of patriarchy. But if we don’t examine it, then we’re stuck accepting it.
I think a lot about the fact all AI assistants voices are personified as female. Siri, Alexa, Cortana, and now Sky (OpenAI’s assistant which allegedly rips off Scarlett Johansson in Her) are all default female. This would be fine (~ rEpReSenTatioN iN tECh~) apart from the fact that most of these voices are programmed by majority-male teams. As a result, the tasks these AI assistants perform, like ordering groceries or planning your social calendar, not only reinforce gendered household roles, but are also often downright flirtatious.
Is it a stretch to say these also reinforce the idea of “behind every great man is a great woman”? That they bolster the narrative that women are tools to a “great man’s” success, but never given the spotlight themselves? Perhaps it could be furthering micro-aggressions faced by women the world over, like female employees being asked to arrange events or grab coffee, even when it’s not within the scope of their role. It’s also worth noting that none of this would be problematic if the behind the scenes work of running a household was treated with the same level of importance as running a board meeting.
“When Alexa can keep track of your shopping list, set your alarm, turn on the heating and lights, even keep your kids entertained with games, it’s not that we prefer women’s voices, it’s that we prefer women doing domestic tasks.” — Lily O’Farrell
Obviously, AI assistants are used by both sexes, and you’re not necessarily asking Siri for advice—but I don’t think the dynamics are a coincidence. Men are only okay to publicly ask AI female assistants to do things in the most servile way possible, but are less comfy with publicly accepting advice from real women, perhaps because it shows they don’t have all the answers. Is it also because women’s advice and perspectives on what’s important would put a spanner in the works of Silicon Valley’s “Great Men” professing their plans to colonize Mars before we provide things like paid parental leave to people living on Earth? You’re right, that would be crazy.
Why don’t men ask women for advice? Join the conversation in Diem, i’ll be hanging out in the comments all day.
ICYMI
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