How can I stop being a pick-me girl?
A pick-me girl is a human like the rest of us, motivated by the “wrong” things.
Today’s newsletter is for the reforming pick-me girls, or the girls learning to find validation outside the prison of patriarchy.
But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:
For those who like to wake their boyfriends up with a good ol fashioned bj…how do you start?
how do I activate a fulfilled part of me that does not compete with other women?
how do i convince my best friend not to get into a relationship with an older guy?
Any girls here who are suffering from psoriasis, is there anything that helps you?
In today’s era of modern womanhood, there is no greater sin than being a “pick-me.” Like most words coined on the internet, everyone has a slightly different definition of what a “pick-me girl” means to them, but I think Cosmopolitan summed it up best:
In a nutshell, subconsciously or intentionally, a “pick me girl’s” hope is to garner attention from the men she knows by distancing herself from all other women and their “cringe,” feminine behaviors. Instead, they zero in on stereotypical masculine interests and takes, even if they don’t actually believe or support them.
In other words, it’s a rebranding of “guy’s girl,” or a girl who is “not like other girls” — a girl who, if she can’t beat the patriarchy, joins it by throwing other women (or femininity in general) under the bus. A pick-me girl calls a girl out for wearing “so much makeup” while in front of other men, or tells the guys she hangs out with that she prefers their company because it’s “so much less drama.” She’s screaming, “Instead of the much harder task of convincing you to value all women equally, pick me! Pick me!”
The term first originated on Twitter in 2016, but TikTok picked it up in 2021 and brought it into the mainstream. On Diem, we frequently see questions about pick-me girls, pick-me women, or someone apologizing in advance if their question makes them seem like a “pick-me.” When I come across these terms, like the “girl’s girl” phenomenon we wrote about a few weeks ago, I keep coming to the same conclusion: My god, there are so many “wrong” ways to be a girl.
I have such little patience for these trends, mostly because I think they minimize genuine, legitimate feelings. People don’t do shitty things in a vacuum, and that includes pick-mes. A pick-me girl is a human like the rest of us, motivated by the “wrong” things. But in a world that’s catered to men’s opinions and desires, how can you blame someone for getting swept up in the rhetoric? For thinking they, too, only have value if their very being appeals first and foremost to men?
Which is all to say, I both understand the frustration with pick-mes, and I also forgive them. To acknowledge these traits in yourself takes some serious introspection, so if you’re already at the point where you’re asking to change, you’ve won half the battle.
To stop being a pick-me, you have distill it down to its most basic parts. If a pick-me thrives on the validation of men at the expense of women, then there are two hurdles in front of you: learning to appreciate femininity, and getting your validation from something else. Luckily, I think the two go hand in hand.
First thing’s first, external validation — from men or women — is not sustainable. We tend to prioritize external validation (that is, validation from something outside of ourselves) because it’s faster and more tangible. Instagram likes, for instance, are a form of external validation. So is that moment when a man laughs at your joke, a joke you maybe made because the fastest shortcut to being accepted by the patriarchy is to demean women. It may have felt good in the moment, but it doesn’t last. For that, you need internal validation.
Internal validation is an appreciation of your innate traits, behavior, and values, and, most importantly, doesn’t require you to contort yourself to meet others’ (potentially flawed) expectations. This is one of my biggest struggles, too, and most of it comes down to trusting myself, and not letting external events knock me from what I know: I’m a hard worker. I’m a good friend. My intention is always to do the right thing for those around me.
You likely can come up with your own list, and sometimes it really is as simple as taking the time to sit with yourself and repeat your personal mantra. But if you suffer specifically from pick-me behavior, it’s likely also because you see feminine behaviors as lesser. Like I said above, it’s understandable given the social environment we were all raised in, so the next part is the fun part: Learning to celebrate girlhood. When you think about things like makeup and drama, can you reframe your perspective? Are women who wear makeup “fake,” or are they radically deriving creative joy from a practice initially designed to impress men? Do women have lots of “drama” because they’re superficial and petty, or are women more free to express and talk out their feelings because they don’t have to bottle them up to remain a stoic example of patriarchy? Soon you’ll come to realize that femininity is freedom, it’s patriarchy that’s the prison. So why on earth are you asking to be locked up?
Are you a former pick-me? How did you change your behavior? Let’s talk about it on Diem.
ICYMI
Before you go…
Diem got a brand new update! Customize your profile with things like your location and interests, request Spaces, and more — update on iOS, web, and Android!