How can I talk to male partners about misogyny?
"I have a hard time having these conversations with them because it’s triggering for me and honestly so exhausting"
Let’s unpack one of last week’s most popular posts.
But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:
We created Diem to be a safe place for complicated conversations, but sometimes complicated conversations are necessary IRL. When it comes to battling misogyny and patriarchy, how can men be called in to help? Should women be the ones explaining it? Is it even worth it?
This question is explored in one of last week’s most popular conversation on Diem, and the answers are divided.
Turn to online resources
Two Diemers recommended the same social media account and podcast:
There’s an account called pinkpillrx on Instagram where a woman is educating her husband and I will play those videos for my husband every now and then (he doesn’t have insta) Or maybe yall can find books together so he can educate himself on this
If you have a TikTok account go check them out kators88. She is talking to her husband and doing something called pinkpilling. I think her definition of the word is different from the internet so don't search it up but basically she is doing what you are asking about
Use personal experience
i usually use my personal experiences as an example! i’ve found they feel more empathetic
Take men’s perspectives into account
Here’s what men or those speaking for men had to say:
It's really common for men, even those who are liberal or progressive, to react defensively when talking about misogyny, sexism, toxic masculinity, or rape culture. That defensiveness usually isn't because they are secretly misogynists; it's because when broad accusations are made against "men," it feels like a personal attack on people who have lived their lives trying not to be part of the problem.
You wanna know why talking to men about misogyny blows up in your face half the time? It’s because you come in swinging at everybody like we’re guilty by default. Most of us aren’t sitting around plotting how to make your life worse. We’re busy handling our own battles, getting through our own days, carrying weight you’ll never even see. When you throw all of us into the fire because it's easier than aiming properly, don’t be surprised when we stop listening. "Not all men" isn’t some cheap excuse — it’s a fact. If you can't tell the difference between someone who's part of the problem and someone who isn't, you’re not ready for a real conversation.
Know it might not be worth it
For a handful of Diemers, the conversation caused more harm than it did good:
it almost never ends well. I'm always leaving those conversations feeling ignored, discouraged and intimidated. your pain isn't pain for him. it's inconvenience.
If you want to have the conversation with a partner, prepare to have a conversation that may not go well and may lead to you reconsidering the relationship. Very few men are open to those discussions.
Basically if he responds with aggression, I don’t even try. That’s a lost cause. That’s using intimidation to get you to shut the f up. I saw a comment above basically doing that and I honestly don’t even know if people like that are worth trying to educate. For me, that’s my distinction/boundary that I use when I decide on whether to educate and continue a relationship or if I’m just going to accept that they are showing me who they are and keep them out of my life.
TLDR: There’s no one right answer. But, before we go, let’s end with an excerpt from a related TWDTA, written by
, that was published shortly after the November 2024 election:For men, I imagine it feels like watching a particularly distressing movie—one that maybe raises your heart rate in the moment, but that you can leave behind with the popcorn in the theater. It’s the picture you take of the moon that you have to promise to people looks much bigger and clearer in real life. It’s the words in other languages that have no English equivalent. You change tactics and use gestures and try different angles, but at a certain point, you have to accept the things you cannot change.
But I have to remember there’s plenty of other causes I show up for that I, similarly, lack a frame of reference for. As a white woman, for instance, I’ll never know what it feels like to be racially profiled or discriminated against for the color of my skin, but that doesn’t mean I don’t make myself available to those causes. You don’t need to, and shouldn’t need to, be able to fully relate to any given issue in order to advocate for it. You don’t do it because you feel the fear—you do it because you know it’s right. If I can trust myself with that responsibility, then I have to trust the men I love, too.
ICYMI
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