Should I 'quiet quit' my friendship?
On ghosting friendships instead of having difficult conversations.
Today’s newsletter is about yet another TikTok trend.
But first, here’s what else people are talking about on Diem:
There’s nothing TikTok loves more than coining new terms: “Coastal grandmother,” “clean girl aesthetic,” “millennial pause” (have I mentioned I’m partially responsible for that one?). Last year, it was “quiet quitting” making headlines across websites and morning shows, all about the act of emotionally divesting from your job by putting in the bare minimum amount of effort. This year, TikTok is applying that same term to friendship.
It started back in May, when a few different users hopped on the app to share how they were stepping back from friendships that weren’t working for them anymore. In this context, “quiet quitting” means not reaching out as much as you used to, presumably to let the relationship peter out over time without any kind of dramatic confrontation.
Now, I can see how this would be warranted in the case of a major infraction—a result of something the friend did wrong that they know they did wrong. But the way this term caught on has me concerned that’s not quite how it’s being adopted. Instead, it’s giving people permission to ghost friendships instead of having difficult conversations.
I’m as guilty of hating confrontation as the next person. I hold onto issues for too long, never learning that it’s actually better for both myself and the relationship to address these things right away. Instead, these little annoyances can add up, leading you to the conclusion that this is friendship’s pro/con list is heavily outweighed by the latter. If you “quiet quit,” it means punishing your friend for infractions they had no idea they committed, and without giving them a chance to fix it before losing you.
Friendship breakups suck. I’ve been lucky enough to endure only a few in my lifetime, but the reason was almost always down to bad communication. We weren’t being honest with each other about our feelings, and had let resentment build up from things that happened years ago. Would these friendships still be with me had we just sucked it up and had those hard conversations right away?
We are in a loneliness crisis. An overwhelming amount of questions on Diem are from people asking how to make friends as adults, a time when we’ve outgrown the ready-made communities of family and school. But when we talk about wanting friendship—real, genuine friendship—we have to remember what it is we’re asking for. We can’t expect to just receive the good parts of friendship, the support, the hangs, the laughs. Friendship is a two-way street, which means giving support, negotiating misunderstandings, and speaking up when things hurt your feelings, instead of quietly disappearing without a trace. If we can’t keep friends, how can we expect to make them?
Have you ever quiet quit a friendship? Has a friend ever quiet quit you? Let’s talk about it on Diem.
ICYMI
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I kind of feel like figuring out and working out on romantic relationships is more prominent in our culture than working out friendships, or maybe it's just me projecting!